SAGHIRA'S LAWS
by Wajdi Al-Ahdal
translated by David Kanbergs
Job Vacancy
The President of
Yemen
Shortly after the conclusion of the Yemeni National Dialogue Conference at the beginning of 2014, there appeared in the media an announcement for an open position:
“Man or woman wanted for the position of President of the Republic. Applicant must hold Yemeni citizenship, possess excellent reading and writing skills, and be of good character.”
The president, who had submitted his resignation, had gone off to the Canary Islands to spend his retirement there, wishing the Yemeni people all the best of luck.
Within a month of the announcement being posted, everyone in parliament found themselves on the verge of collapse due to the immense pressure. Rumors even grew that one of them had committed suicide, and that another had been saved at the last moment, after having taking poison. All because of the unimaginable numbers of applicants for the prestigious position. The newspapers published detailed statistics showing that the number of applicants had reached forty million, even though the official census indicated that the total number of Yemeni citizens was only about thirty million. No one was able to explain where those extra millions came from. Even the British Nobel-laureate mathematician who was called in to solve the enigma wasn’t able to do a thing. While in the airport trying to catch the first possible flight out of Yemen he told a BBC reporter that what had happened was surely some sort of devilry!
But this sudden population explosion wasn’t the only cause for worry. The real problem was figuring out how to administer the pre-employment examination to forty million people. The parliament was on the verge of announcing the abolishment of the position, until a marvelous idea came to one of the members of the National Dialogue: to seek out those Yemeni citizens who hadn’t nominated themselves for the position and to select one of them instead.
The Unfortunate Ending of The First Three Presidents
After months of sifting, they found a citizen who resembled Mahatma Gandhi, and who believed, as Gandhi did, in the principle of non-violence. He was immediately appointed President of the Republic. But he turned out to be too peaceful, and thus didn’t last more than six hours in the position, after which he was hanged in Tahrir Square at the hands of an angry mob.
So they began searching again for someone who hadn’t put him or herself forward as a candidate. They came across an old Black woman who belonged to the Akhdam caste. She resembled Nelson Mandela, and was, like him, wise and forbearing. But she met her death after just one week, stabbed with a janbiya at the hands of a racist young man who opposed her social reforms, which had annulled class privileges.
With great difficulty they were able to find a Yemeni man who hadn’t nominated himself. He was middle-aged, short, and a little bit obese. He resembled the Uruguayan President José Mujica in his integrity and rectitude. However, he only lasted three months in the presidential seat, after which he took a bullet in the temple as he was returning to his humble home on foot.
After careful study, it became clear that there were only fifteen men and women who hadn’t nominated themselves. All eyes turned to them, but they quickly realized the danger of that gaze, so they gave their entire life savings to a Somali pirate to smuggle them out of the country. They left under the cover of darkness on a broken-down ship full of holes, heading for Zeila, and from there to some unknown place. Then they disappeared as easily as yesterday had. Due to these unfortunate events, the Yemeni Parliament decided to dissolve itself, thus washing its hands entirely of the matter of this empty position.